​it is amazing how the past can come back to haunt you, YEARS later.  i believe that i will never totally be over the pain trent put me through, although a lot of that has subsided since i met and fell in love with jesse...and most of the residual bitterness disappeared the day i married my soulmate. 

so glad that he got rid of me all those years ago, no matter how hard i tried to hold on through the abuse, cheating, court, and even jail...however....he's still fucking up my life.

i've had these moles that i've wanted to get looked at for quite some time because my underwear irritates them and let's be honest, i think they're ugly.  my husband doesn't care.... i had the first few when i met him... but i do.  this year, at my yearly, my gynocologist suggested i get them checked out. because they aren't moles. they are warts. WARTS? seriously?! they look like moles. how the hell...? and all the info she proceeded to tell me was confirmed today by the dermatalogist i saw who she recommended. i have one of the strains of HPV. Approximately 75% of sexually active adults carry the virus, however very few ever have warts (go freaking figure!).  HPV is most well known for causing cervical cancer. i've had 14 straight regular pap smears - no cancer. and the strains that cause cancer are NOT the strains that have warts. so i "lucked out," although i got the ugly strain.

so how do you tell your (overprotective, bipolar) husband that you have an STI from your ex? thank God it was clarified to me that it's a sexually transmitted INFECTION, not disease, because i was really having trouble swallowing the idea that I, aubrey, who has only ever slept with THREE people in my entire life, one being my high school boyfriend...in which we were each others' FIRSTS...could possibly have an STD! it's still super fucking with me. but it's frustrating....because....unlike an STD, you can't screen for them. my ex actually had STD testing done right before i got with him...but it's not an STD so there's no way he would have known....although he also could have gotten the virus from one of the....6....7....8....? girls he cheated on me with...so it's not like i could have even known i had the virus, especially because they look like moles!!

but yet again....i ask the question...how do you tell your husband that you just found out you have an STI from your ex which means he likely carries the virus now too? ugh.  i can't believe trent's bullshit from so many years ago is still messing with my life.

anyway, the dermatalogist froze 7 of them today...they're supposed to fall off after 2 or 3 treatments, but may come back...there's no guarantee.  although i just realized he missed 2 of them...i have a total of 9. gross.  but holy hell, that was one of the most painful things i have ever endured! granted, it's already a sensitive area, but  a blast of liquid nitrogen to that area....wow. not fun at all. and i have another appointment in 3 weeks. sigh.

oh, i failed to mention that my copay for specialists is SIXTY dollars. oh how angry i want to be...but instead, i just feel sad. depressed. and anxious.

i haven't even opened my blog yet to know how long it's been since i've written....but i know it's been a long time. i mean....just the fact that it's september already is ridiculous!! time is fucking flying and it's terrifying!!!

i know i wrote about jesse losing his wife...it's been a hard road for him and he's pulling away from me, from us, from this place...he won't work here past spring, if he makes it that long... but i had to mention this. last week, the man who killed his wife had his pre-trial. and during it, jesse and his family PARDONED him. what?? they asked that he NOT get ANY jail time. i am absolutely floored, blown away, and in awe. what an inspiration. they are...the epitome of good people. it made me tear up when i found out. how can you be such an amazing person (family) to find it in your heart to forgive someone for taking your wife, mother, sister, grandmother, daughter away from them so suddenly??? oh it makes my heart so happy knowing there are good people out there, but it's so hard to process!!

okay, i had to put that out there. so...the big change since i last wrote? WE FINALLY GOT THE FREAKING HOUSE!!!!!!!! we spent so many hours and so much energy painting and cleaning and destructing and building....carolyn came from pittsburgh because she's AMAZING and helped out...and sam helped move stuff...and we moved in 2 weekends ago. it's ours! we live at OUR house! it's still so crazy.  and it's still a work in progress....the garage is unusable. so full of stuff that needs to be put away. pictures still need to be hung, other stuff inside still needs to be put away...but it is DEFINITELY coming along and we LOVE it.

i can't describe the exhaustion and soreness and stress of the getting the house ready part, but all i can say is that i'm really glad that part is all over :)

then we got a puppy. and he is cute and loveable. but he also keeps me awake. every night. jesse sleeps through it all because of his medicine. i have to get up and potty him multiple times a night and then other nights he just makes noise the ENTIRE night and i don't get sleep. it's really rough and i'm exhausted....but i know he's just a baby and there will come a day where it isn't like that anymore...and then i'll miss him being a little puppy...so here's to patience and energy!!!

But, of course...without further ado...before and after pictures of the house!!!

the heart is a funny thing. i've always known that because i tend to follow my heart long before i follow my brain. and yes, i do realize that that can be a fault. but honestly, i think if i actually had a choice, i would probably choose to follow my heart again...even though it means more pain.  i'm a lover. i'm a carer. i'm an empath. and it makes me hurt so badly sometimes.

take my supervisor losing his wife a few weeks back. i am still so messed up over it. we were already fairly close and i've drifted towards him. i've listened. i've teared up. i've looked through the accident reports and death certificate because he's offered them to me. he's needed someone there. and no, i'm not his best friend...i'm not the one he texts at 1am...but i'm there. and he knows that.

what he doesn't know....is i choke up every time i leave work and am not too distracted to notice his wife's cross on our property. or that i look up the man who killed her every few days to see how his court cases are progressing. and i lament over the minimal sentence he is going to get regardless. he doesn't know that when i take my walks with Patti on lunch down the very trail his wife was running towards...when we pass that cross...that i imagine it happening over and over and over again. and that sometimes i lie in bed at night when i'm supposed to be asleep and i think of the few times i met her...the last time being two weeks before she was killed...and i think of them. and of him lying in bed with his heart splayed open next to her empty spot. he's told me they used to lie awake in bed together and talk...every night...and that's when it hurts the most. and i HURT for him. i ache. 

makes me sound crazy, doesn't it?

then renee texted me this morning. she just did her second cycle of fertility treatments with my doctor - they actually did AI. she got her second negative. that is when we gave up. and i still feel such tremendous pain from the debilitating heartache of not being able to bear my own child...and i relived seeing those negatives. the baited breath...but the "knowing"...i had no words. i teared up as i drove to work and she texted me. i told her i was here...that i would be her silence if that's what she needed and she described her bleakness...the crying at nothing...at everything...that unfairness of it. she regretfully admitted questioning god...IT'S NOT FAIR. and i was angry again. and i hurt again. and i shook my fist at God again and tried to understand. tried to bite back the bitter tears. but i felt her pain. i feel her pain. i wonder how she's fighting through work. if she's had to get up from her desk and go to the bathroom to hide her tears. or if she went home on lunch and couldn't go back. and i feel empty for her.

i haven't spent the time to explain Lindsey...my sister in law...she's had a drug problem for a long time on and off. and she has a serious problem with life. she is negative. she is HATEful. she has so much darkness and hate and revenge in her. she thinks that life and everyone is out to get her. she has 4 kids who sometimes she wants nothing to do with. she's tried to give them away. multiple times. and then she tried to kill herself...or get attention...or whatever...saturday night and life has been fucking chaotic since. she was in a coma...little brain activtiy...hooked up to a ventilator because she was not breathing on her own. we sat in the waiting room with very little information because they didn't know if she was going to make it or even what all she had taken, etc. the tox screen showed meth, coke, and weed, but none of those would take her from walking and talking to crashing and not breathing...turns out she took a handfull of Wellbutrin...

i saw her sunday when she was still in the coma. i've been working all week while jesse goes up with his family to visit. she has shown improvements. apparently she's eating and last i knew she was coming around a little but still acting confused and out of it. jesse's dad is calling me this afternoon to explain some more because i can't get anything out of jesse. he wouldn't even go back and see her in her room yesterday because she was so angry at her.

but i ache. i ache for jesse as he deals with it terribly. he's drinking and raging and just breaking in two and there's nothing i can do for him.  i ache for their dad. she disowned him a years years back...even told the all of her friends that her dad had died when she was younger...guess who was the first person to the hospital and the last person to leave every day? he hadn't seen her in TWO YEARS and he walked back to look at his daughter in a coma, not knowing if she'd ever wake up. i hurt so much i want to throw up. i hurt for her mom. lindsey is a carbon copy of her and she doesn't even realize it. she's unstable herself, not to mention physically sick. and she is so stressed she can barely walk. 

and oh, i hurt for the kids. these kids that we have offered to take before...that we love as our own...that have NO stability.  the ones who know what a bowl for weed is and who miss their mom the first day she's gone when we have them even though she tries to give them away. they haven't seen her since saturday. they've been with "dad" who doesn't act like a dad and who they hardly ever see. i can feel their pain. i can imagine their confusion. how much they miss mom. how they don't understand. i want to scoop them up and never let them go. i want to shield their little hearts from this pain, from this world, from their own mother....but you know what? it's too late!!!!! and that makes me hurt so much more. they are so much more aware than they should be at 7, 5, and 3! they have seen so much...too much in all of their years. i'm unable to protect them. i can't save them. and i am broken because of it.

and sometimes...like today...like this week...i don't know how to carry everyone else's pain. but it's not like i made a CHOICE to. it's just there. i just feel it. it's part of me because i care about these people. but my shoulders are literally bowed under the weight of it. and i've teared up multiple times today.

loving is so hard. i just hope all these people know they are loved. even in the worst times. and that bearing their pain with them somehow lightens their load...or maybe that's not possible...but that the thought of someone sharing it with them lessens the pain just slightly....

it is absolutely unbelievable how tragedy can put your life into perspective in a split second. 

i'm aware that this blog has almost become a living pity party...that's one of the reasons i made it... i needed somewhere to vent while i go through a couple of really difficult stages of life... but none of that really seems to matter in light of what has happened today.

first thing this morning, my supervisor, (Jesse)'s wife was jogging here in town (he lives less than a mile from work). he was texting her about some things and she was texting back.  soon after, a state trooper had our road coned off and was sitting there with his lights flashing for quite some time... so my supervisor and manager walked up to see what was going on.  jesse's wife's running shoe was lying by pits and pieces left from a car. she had already been taken to the hospital...but she was already gone....

as far as i know, the story i've gotten is that she was running on the left side of the road as you are supposed to, and a car came up behind her going the same direction...so they should have been on the other side of the road from her, but somehow they must have crossed center and hit her, killing her instantly. texting, distracted, i don't know...but you can't make up a story much more horrifying than that. i know it will be in the paper tomorrow...

one second, jesse is texting her, the next second, she is gone. forever.  the whole place is reeling here today. i'm so glad i'm leaving an hour early to get some house stuff done...it's been a struggle to get anything accomplished today.

my heart is breaking for jesse and his family. jesse and tracey were high school sweethearts...got pregnant around 16 or 17 and got married soon after...theyare 40, 41, something like that.and such great people, both of them. i can't imagine him losing her.


but all of a sudden, the petty bullshit that stresses us out from day to day just doesn't seem to matter. all that matters is our family, our friends, the people we hold dear. all i wanted to do was rush to my jesse's work and just hold him. 

i refuse to take life for granted. i refuse to take my loved ones for granted. i refuse to get caught up in the small stresses and make them bigger than they are. i refuse to let those small stresses drag me down. 

and i refuse...refuse to drive distracted from here on out.

goodness gracious, i don't know how 5 weeks can go by so fast....!

where to even start? i'm not re-reading my last entry so i can kind of start fresh.

the fertility treatments were a bust. all that money and time and stress later, and i'm still not pregnant.  apparently that's just life. it's heartbreaking, but i deal with it pretty well most days...until 3 more people on my facebook get pregnant with number 2 and it all comes crashing in...but i'm doing a pretty good job of keeping my head above the water most of the time.

this house buying process has been a big mess! i knew buying a foreclosure would be a hassle, but GEEZ!!! we have now signed for it SIX times and our close date has moved FOUR times. GOOD GOD. our current close date is july 30 which is 3 weeks from today, so here's hoping that's the for real date!!  we had the FHA appraisal last Tuesday and got the results Monday...lots of stuff that needs to be done to pass the second one, but less than i was afraid might need to be done...especially since we had our own inspector go out prior and he was much more thorough! we have to have the following inspections (which of course we have to pay for out of pocket!!!):
septic - because they never found the damn thing the first time!!!
well - bleach has to be poured into it first to kill everything that's been in the unused well for the last 2 1/2 years! then a water sample has to be drawn and tested
mold - we know it's not black mold, but it has to be certified by an inspector
electric - it's a crazy hill-billied electric panel with no way of passing haha...and lots of random capped off wires that aren't in boxes...
plumbing - most things are still winterized and we have the busted pipe under the kitchen sink

so on top of that, repairs wise, we have to have:
the well bleached and sampled
the mold cleaned up
the electric panel fixed
the plumbing fixed
the bathroom floor tiles stuck back down
back steps built for the (oh my!!) 18" stoop out of the back of the garage
the shed and deck pressure washed and re-painted (no chipped paint allowed for an FHA, even out buildings!!)

some of the rules are nuts...because the freaking roof between our two connected sheds is collapsed and rotting and they don't care about that...they care that the trim is freaking peeling...good god.  they also don't care about the laminate flooring in the living room coming up and being DUCT TAPED back down...but they don't like that a few of the vinyl squares on the bathroom floor have moved a little...geez.

most of the stuff is fairly easy stuff to fix...

tracy sent out a contractor who THANK GOD is qualified to do ALL of the inspections as well as FIX everything!!! he quoted the repairs at exactly $1000 (what the seller is willing to pay for repairs in closing costs) as long as magical fairies show up to paint the deck and shed after they pressure wash them off, so unless he finds a bunch of bad stuff while inspecting, we MIGHT finally ALMOST own a home!!!!  but what a long, exhausting process!!!

speaking of long processes...it's been over TWO FREAKING MONTHS now that i haven't had a washing machine and dryer. what a joke of a landlord. it's stressful.

jesse is stressed to the max about his job. he works with a bunch of assholes...plus, not only does he work a gazillion hours, but he doesn't know what time he is getting off THAT DAY until like 2 or 3. how frustrating!! we had a fight last night and i'm exhausted because i never sleep well after that, but i know we're just both kind of at our breaking point right now. praying the contractor goes out and fixes/inspects everything with no problems and lets us know today so we can paint and be done and hope to pass the second appraisal so we can finally own our home... it would be such a HUGE weight lifted off of both of us!! i don't like spatting with my teammate.

so the white water rafting weekend was absolutely PHENOMENAL!! not one drop of rain :) and rafting itself was awesome...i got dumped out this year and stuck under water in a hydraulic and it was absolutely terrifying because i couldn't surface and get air...and when i finally did, i would get shoved under again...ella said my eyes looked like saucers when i surfaced...yeah, i thought for a moment that that really might be it!  the hydraulic was so strong, it literally tore my shoe off of my left foot and i never saw it again.  it scared the crap out of jesse and we spent that evening lying near the pool in nature just holding hands and being alone instead of with the group. it was peaceful and we were thankful for life :) but the whole weekend was awesome and i can't wait until next year when we try the lower gauley!!! of course, we're taking a fall trip and this year we only had to wait 9 months from fall to spring and this coming year we have to wait a year and a half from this spring to next fall...bummmmmmer but it will be so worth it :)

lindsey stirling was really awesome...she puts on such an incredible show...but i was sooo excited about being there early that i tried to stay up in the very front the first half of the show and jesse can't stand that long so we ended up sore and exhausted. she's writing more music this fall so she may not tour next year, but if she does, we'll get seats :)

so i was a counselor at junior/middler camp at camp joy last week and holy crap it feels like it was a lot longer ago than that!!!!! but it was so great being back there...like coming home! i cried when i left jesse and on and off on the way down there, but i did great during camp! i called him for 1 minute every morning and for 5ish minutes every evening and i only ALMOST cried the first night when i went to bed alone. i missed him for sure, but i was having fun and it's so good knowing you have an amazing partner to come home to when it's all over!  i kinda hope they ask me back next year and he can go too, but we'll see what happens :)

i have a headache. i'm exhausted. my coffee isn't helping. let's be honest - it's 8:26am and i'm ready to go home...only 7 1/2 hours to go...

it's my life story. sigh. 

friday, the seller sent our realtor (who sent us) new papers to sign. there is no difference in them except my realtor got them to push the closing date back 9 days. they just wanted the papers in "their language" instead of our realtor's language. whatever, dudes. so i signed them and that was friday and i knew nothing would happen over the weekend but i'm ready for it to move forward. really hoping they do stuff in a timely manner and sign this week and we can continue on. they apparently quit mowing our lawn? maybe because there's a sale pending? but our close date isn't until july 8 so what thehell? and yay for our close date changing because now i will be home from camp and this is so much more exciting than jesse closing alone...not only when i am not there, but have no way to communicate with him!!

i can take my pregnancy test wednesday. but i feel crampy today, so my hopes are kinda crashing. i don't think i got as worked up about it this time with the first failed cycle, so i don't think it will be as bad if i get a negative, but god would i just love to get pregnant. this was our last try...so unless by a freak accident with no fertility treatments, we somehow get pregnant in the future, i may never get to be. that is starting to settle in a little and it's rough. the long term awareness. the very very likely possibility that i will never ever get pregnant, carry a child, bear a child, or have a child. i always assumed i would have several, so this is changing the entirety of my future. and of course, everyone i know is getting pregnant, so that doesn't help a damn thing.

i try to just keep thinking that god knows what he's doing. he has his reasons. but i'm not really sure why or what his reasons would be that we can't even have one baby. yes yes, maybe it's a timing thing and it's not "our time" yet, but um... i'm going to be 30 in less than 4 months...

on a positive note, white water rafting weekend begins in 5 days!!!!! the onllllllyyyy good thing if (when) i find out i'm not pregnant is that i can still go white water rafting and zip lining.  we are going to leave really early saturday morning.  aaaaand of course, it's supposed to rain/storm ALL weekend. the entire weekend.  it did the same thing last year EXCEPT it didn't rain while we rafted. but at least this year, we will be better prepared to deal with the rain... we are bringing our little camping grill so we can actually cook if it's pouring and all of us have been planning what we are bringing food wise and all that.... 

so needless to say, i am TOTALLY stoked about the trip this weekend. it's been a loooooooong time coming and i need a mini vacation and i am so so excited!

and then, while we are on the trip, i should get my email about the lindsey stirling meet & greet tickets i bought. they don't send you details until THREE DAYS BEFORE which is insane because how can we plan?!?!? but i am getting sOOOOOO excited to break the news to jesse because i bought these tickets in FEBRUARY and i've been keeping this secret the entire time!!!!!

alright, time to get back to reality and work.

my anxiety is bad. i know we have a lot going on (and not bad stuff!), but i'm having a very hard time handling it all. it keeps me awake for hours at night and wakes me up in the middle of the night and keeps me nerved up all day. i think if we don't get pregnant this time, i might look into finding a doctor and seeing if they can put me on something that's not a sleeping pill, but will calm my anxiety a bit. i think it's time. i don't want to get back into the realm of panic attacks..which...i don't think will be a problem because life is good, but hey, you never know and i don't want to go back there.

we signed the papers for the house again on thursday and are now waiting for the seller to sign them. i know memorial day weekend didn't help anyyyyything with the process, but i'm starting to get antsy. tracy gave me phone numbers to 2 inspectors and i called them both last week and their prices are the same, but the one can schedule a little sooner than the other... so now i'm just waiting for the go ahead. the 10 days doesn't start until they sign the papers...  i think i'll text her this afternoon just to touch base...it HAS been almost a week.

well, we didn't make it 6 nights in a row, but we made it 4. jesse ended up working 14 hour shifts most of last week and was exhausted. poor guy. killer paycheck, but it's hard on his body!! i had my blood drawn yesterday to check my progesterone and my levels are up which means i ovulated a week ago yesterdayish. which means i didn't ovulate late and IF it was going to be successful, we did it just fine.  i did a little research and everyone says a week out the levels are raised or 5-9 days. well if i went the minimum back (5), that would be thursday and we had sex that day and the 3 before it, so we should be fine. 9 puts us at sunday and i didn't get the shot til monday, so that's not feasible. so yeah... that's encouraging, but like i said last time, i'm trying not to think about it because of how worked up i got last time.

i'm feeling twingey today and trying not to think about it... or how it could be implantation cramps... or just my imagination ha. i've done a lot better for the first week not thinking about it... i can take the test a week from today, so we will just have to see.

we had an awesome weekend. we got an impromptu cabin saturday at whispering hills and it was beautiful and we had nicole and josh and the kids out and kept the kids overnight with us. the cabin was REALLY awesome and made camping so much less hassle than usual, ha...and they put on a killer fireworks show for memorial day weekend and it was just a really good time. and i got some serious sun on my back!! 

then sunday was caleb's birthday party so we were outside all day again and i kept my front to the sun to avoid my pink shoulders and i got pretty pink on the front of me. i'm a very tan slightly pink and it's beautiful. i've been lathering coconut oil on my shoulders trying to prevent peeling...because i usually peel once a year and it's like...polka dots! it's bad.

monday, jesse and i didn't do a lot of anything, just rested up. we sat outside a lot, i drove down to coschocton to hit the bank (it's like 15 minutes closer than wooster and i'm tired of driving up there....plus lots of miles closer even if it's not that much time wise). it was a beautiful drive although coschocton is a weird town. but yeah, we just kinda relaxed monday and enjoyed having an extra weekend day off!!

pretty happy with the 4 day week this week...i thought it might feel extra long because i expected it to feel short, but yesterday afternoon got super busy and today, i have to go up to wooster for a safety meeting. so it's definitely moving along!! hoping i get paid a day early this week though. i have $14 to my name and i'm not happy about that haha.

my green smoothie is totally hitting the spot today. i've missed them. trying to get back to being a healthier me, so "breakfast" it is every day. hey, a smoothie is better than not eating breakfast at all!! it's got fruit and kale. and a touch of coconut and a touch of coconut oil. i'm good to go.

so really, no change on anything and i think that is what has my anxiety so active lately. just so many maybes and so many things just suspended, waiting.

i don't know if it's a "me" thing or if it's a "people with anxiety" thing, but my lows are really really low and my highs are really really high. it is hard for me to function when i'm low and it's hard for me to focus and reign it in when i'm high.

sunday evening, jesse and i weren't feeling "killbuck" or being indoors, so we took a drive in the country...which ended up being more than 2 hours long!! just all the back gravel roads of holmes county. i took a few awesome pictures and i pretty much went (angrily) mudding up a really steep several mile muddy hill... i got asked at work yesterday if i went mudding - it's pretty obvious HA. anyway, we went to the house we are looking at... because... we hadn't heard anything and we just wanted to see it...possibly one last time. so we pulled in and sat in the driveway and dreamed about this and that...our fruit trees and our clothesline and stuff like that. i turned around in the driveway and went to leave and realized there was a huge lilac bush along the driveway. that is deep for us. jesse and i both grew up smelling lilac wafting into a farmhouse and...major love! so jesse made me stop and we held hands. he prayed, i cried, we felt peace, and we left. and then i went mudding. oh boy.

i had my fertility appointment yesterday and although i was petrified (especially since i had a collapsing cyst during my other ultrasound) and he was an hour late, i once again had 2 follicles ready and got my hormone injection. woohoo! trying not to think about it as much this time around... but holy hell i forgot how much it hurts after the fact.. just like a tetanus shot. at least it was on the weekend last time! now i'm limping to the bathroom at work and trying to figure out how to sit in my chair where it doesn't hurt as much. it also kept me awake quite a bit last night. sheeeeeesh. 

so, since this is our last shot, we are trying to do everything we can to make it work this time (obviously WE can only do so much ha!) instead of having sex the first 3 nights like we are supposed to, we are going to for the first... 6? or so... because i'm not sure my body listens to the injection and ovulates immediately. i keep wondering if i missed my chance last time because we had sex during the window then quit for a rest period and missed it... so we are not risking that this time.

i told the doctor (my doctor, thank god, i love him!) about my basals not rising until several days after the shot last time and he said that it WAS kind of strange, so he's having me go back in next tuesday to have bloodwork done to check my progesterone since it surges with ovulation. hmmmmm.  but here's hoping we can make a baby this time!! it will be very rough this "last" cycle if we fail, but there's got to be a reason...and like i said... we leave for white water rafting 3 days after i can first take a pregnancy test so i should have a buffer from my crash this time around...hopefully...or even more hopefully, i don't have a crash and we get pregnant :) :)

sooooo yesterday, i drove to holmesville, drove to canton, back to holmesville, then after work drove to millersburg to grab money from the bank and rushed to wooster, grabbed lindsey and the kids and rushed back to millersburg so she could look at a cheap used car. she hasn't had a car for quite awhile now and things are a little rough and scary...so she ended up buying the car (jesse bought it for her...well...for the kids...) and we took the kids to mcdonalds to eat and play in the playplace. then jesse wanted to see her car and give it a once over (he's working 12s again this week so he had just gotten off by the time we were finished) so we drove down to killbuck and he took a look. they left, we had sex, he ate supper, and we CRASHED. what a crazy day.

and then, as i rolled over to double check my alarm, i saw a text from my realtor. the bank accepted our offer!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! okay, i got that out of my system. obviously, i know that it isn't a sure thing yet. but now comes the crazy chaos ha. she's emailing me over the new papers to sign (since we upped our price) and we have 10 days to get the house inspected. obviously if there is something super major with the inspection, it won't go through, not to mention, countless other things...buttt....HOLY SHIT. we may have gotten our house!!!! i'm trying to believe that if it's what God wants for us, it will work out!

alright, i have to get off of here now...if i keep dwelling on this, i'm going to get all worked up again and not be able to concentrate at work and i have stuff to do. but... wow.

i would love to be able to shut my brain off, just once in awhile, just for a little bit! it's going to be the death of me. this is why i am supposed to take my anxiety medication... but i got so sick of the pill hangovers...and plus, i'm trying to get pregnant - i don't need that crap in my body...and then on top of that, jesse takes his pills that knock him out at night, so if something were to ever happen in the middle of the night, we'd be screwed ha. i don't really want them... just wish i could turn off my brain here and there...and sleep well on a regular!!

sunday, monday, and tuesday were rough as shit last week. i was really really low. not that i didn't know that time would keep moving, but i couldn't feel it moving and all i could feel was pain. but pain is not my whole life.

jesse and i DID end up going to see the house we are interested in. my parents came down from wooster and we all went out there... with hope and apprehension. because as soon as they bank reviews the other person's offer, it's not open for more offers.

the place needs a serious amount of work. it has sat empty for over 2 years now and it's pretty moldy from the temperature changes and condensation...buuuuut nothing a little bleach and scrubbing won't take care of. a few of the floors need to be fixed (vinyl/laminate/etc). we'll need to put a wood burner back in the basement since it's propane based and that gets pricey. but there's a fireplace in the living room too so that would be our heat! we would have to buy all the appliances...probably figure out way to vent the roof because they didn't when they fixed it... fix the roof on the shed out back...

but i couldn't think of a more perfect house for us. it's on almost 2 acres of land with a creek in the middle of the back yard and it is on a gravel road in the boonies. it has a huge master bedroom with its own small bathroom and 2 other small bedrooms as well as the other bathroom and kitchen and eat in kitchen/dining area and living room and a big mudroom/laundry room and a two car garage and a deck. it's in flood country so that should be quite interesting in rainy seasons, but what's a little adventure? it also adds a few minutes to my commute to work but jesse's would still be around 10 mintues away versus the 2 minutes now which still isn't bad. come winter, i'll be hating the horribly windy back roads that won't see plows at my hour...

so we had our realtor keep tabs on the pending offer and busted our butts with the mortgage lender. jesse's credit is pretty sad...but it's "good enough" for the price we are looking at. there are several stipulations - only 1 that is making me a little nervous - but he got his preapproval letter!!!! the next day, i rushed down to the realtor's on lunch to electronically sign for him on an offer..and we put an offer in on that house!!  of course...that means nothing :) if the other offer is higher, we lose...although hopeful me thinks that we probably were the higher bidder because we didn't offer much less than asking, knowing there was another offer out there. we also knew it could be weeks, months, years to hear back, especially since it has been 4 days since the original offer was put in when we put ours in!! but saturday evening, the realtor texted jesse that we are in a multiple offers dealio with the bank and they were asking for our final offer by sunday at noon. SO. something is happening!!!! trying to be very cautious about getting excited, but it's moving along!

after all the begging and pleading with God about having a child and the gut wrenching crash i took after apparently He told me no, i've been much more cautious with this. i've tried to keep the cons in my head at the same time and also the pros of our current living arrangements so i won't be overly disappointed if we don't get the house. also, i've been trying to trust God with this decision instead of begging him for what i want. just.."if this is your will...whatever your will is..." i feel a lot calmer about it. but obviously, it's a whole different situation than trying to get pregnant.

of course IF we get the house, then there are the inspections and clearly we could find something wrong enough that we can't afford to fix...so none of it is going to be concrete until 1) our bid is accepted 2) we take care of the stipulations 3) we have inspections and decide to proceed 4) the loan process goes ahead fine and 5) we sign it and close on it and have the keys!  buuuuuut i didn't expect the bank to get back to us that fast so i'm pretty excited.

okay, so yesterday, on a SUNDAY, i had an appointment with the infertility doctor at 8 freaking am. Oh, that hurt my soul. i had to wake up at 6am on a sunday and drive an hour and a half to the akron office since the canton office isn't open on weekends. i decided to do one more cycle of the drugs and ultrasounds so yesterday was my cycle day 4 ultrasound. turns out i have a collapsing cyst, but collapsing ones don't prevent me from proceeding...active ones would... but that makes sense since i had cramps like the entire 2 week wait. also, when i first started seeing my doctor, he told me we pretty much make cysts and they take care of themselves every time we ovualte...BUT it does make me a little nervous since that's the 3rd one i'm aware of since college...

anyway, the doctors take turns doing weekends and i got the other doctor...and he was a complete DICK, no lie. i tried to ask questions and he was rude and honestly ended up walking out in the middle of them just so he didn't have to answer them!!! luckily, i have my doctor next monday in canton for my follow up ultrasound and hopefully the shot. i think i'm at liberty to ask as many questions as i want!! it's my body for one and for two, holy shit am i paying you a lot of money!! i was pretty irate. but they started me back on the clomid for 5 days and so it begins again. i think i'm more scared this time...i knew there was a chance i wouldn't have eggs develop last time, but they did...everything was perfect and then i still didn't get pregnant. this time, i already start with a collapsing cyst and a failed cycle hanging over me. i'm nervous. i can't wait to talk to my doctor about a couple of things and try this last cycle. i can barely squeeze by money-wise with this one and my mom is helping for the second time... sigh.

so lots of stuff going on. thank god at the end of the 2 week wait period this month, i'll be days away from white water rafting and lindsey stirling!!! i'll have something to keep me out of the funk (let's hope). but i have a feeling evvvvvvery day is going to be quite long this week...next week...and the next ha. here's to deep breaths and positivity in the weeks to come!!

"And don't fucking move,
'Cause everything you thought you had
will go to shit.
We've got a lot
Don't you dare forget that."

thanks sissy, it's a Margot and The Nuclear So&So's kinda day...but that's how I'm feeling.
I'm vacillating between "everything is going to shit" and "we've got a lot" because both are true.

taking over all of my student loans (which obviously, is my job!!!) is realllllly stressing me out.
it's more than my rent is every month - seriously...fuck that.

this whole fertility shit is just... too much. my period still hasn't started, but seeings how i have pregnancy tests that glaringly read "Not Pregnant" and the cramps I've had on and off for a week and a half now, I know it's going to start. I just wish it would hurry up and get it over with... the plan is to do one more round of treatments before throwing in the towel, at least for awhile... but now half of me just wants to say FUCK IT! why is it going to work the 2nd time if didn't work the first? and it is really causing hurt and tension with jesse and me... not so much at each other, but just us together. we are in such a funk...hurt, stress, self-blame. it's rough. and he makes a good point...if i do 1 more round, i've wasted $1000 we could put towards a house.

maybe we just weren't meant to have kids. 
here's to dying alone.

oh, and i shouldn't even bring up a HOUSE. we've been watching this one on and off for several months...it wasn't feasible at first because i can't buy until my bankruptchy discharge is 2 years in the past...well, this month, my bankruptcy itself is 2 years in the past....4 more months and my discharge is...so that puts it all on jesse. his score wasn't high enough when we first looked, but we've been working at it and it is now... barely.. so we have to proceed with caution, not wanting to run his credit unless we are for sure ready. well, the house we've been watching dropped...4 times...it is quite rundown, needs work...but we were going to offer even less than it's dropped to. we had an appointment to visit it today. and then our realtor texted jesse yesterday to let him know that someone else put an offer on it. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!? i know, i know, it could be "rejected" but we weren't going to offer much so I'm sure they didn't offer any less... and i know...everything happens for a reason and there's some reason we shouldn't have that house if that's the case. but is it the same reason we shouldn't have a kid? or money? this shit is getting so old.

i am sooooo sick of throwing a pity party but that seems to be where i'm at. it's been quite a long time since i've been this low. blame the extensive stress, the longest period of time i've been off my anxiety medicine, the hormones i've taken, i don't know.... but i am teetering on depressed and it is ROUGH. i'm starting to wonder if that's why i'm not sleeping. and i'm not. i'm miserable. i'm exhausted day in and day out. i'm exhausted when i'm lying awake at night wondering why the hell i'm not asleep. this is not a good stage.

and yet... jesse makes me so happy, i feel so guilty feeling so bad! and he's not taking my depression very well. i think he blames himself...like he's not enough to make me happy... but that's where it gets confusing. i AM happy. i know i have him and what we have is like nothing i've ever experienced and more than some people EVER experience. we have a cute apartment we are making better (minus the hillbilly ghetto neighborhood) and we have decent jobs. so i AM happy in some ways. it's just that the scale has tipped the other direction and i feel like everything is crashing down. and i honestly don't know how to handle it. i'm not doing either of us any good when i'm usually the emotionally stable one.

but i am FUCKING PISSED. at life. at myself? at God? i don't know. i'm getting so sick of no's. is it still fucking karma from bad decisions i made in the past? i don't even feel like i made THAT many where karma would still be fucking with me. but why the hell else?!? everything was soaring along in the right direction. EVERYTHING. we had an amazing year last year... lindsey stirling... our wedding... our honeymoon... white water rafting... a weekend in hocking hills... starting the process of the infertility stuff with hope... then jesse getting this new job and moving to killbuck... and then it's like we ran into a motherfucking brick wall and everything just exploded. what, did we use up all of the good luck for awhile? now we can't catch a fucking break?!

and strangely, at the same time, i know none of this is the end of the world!! yet it totally feels like it! there was such a long period of time where i was simply content. in a fantastic way. just content. didn't need anything, didn't want anything. so what gives now? why do i NEED something? need multiple things? want multiple things? feel scared and dejected? i've got to get myself out of this funk. i'm not doing anyone any good.

and the best thing? my few close friends...seem to run and hide when i'm not at my best. i've been here for all of them...hundreds of texts and phone calls and support. and then all the good, fun times. but as soon as aubrey isn't her usual bouncy self, let's avoid her until she figures it out. fucking people suck. 

i am so frustrated!!!!