the heart is a funny thing. i've always known that because i tend to follow my heart long before i follow my brain. and yes, i do realize that that can be a fault. but honestly, i think if i actually had a choice, i would probably choose to follow my heart again...even though it means more pain. i'm a lover. i'm a carer. i'm an empath. and it makes me hurt so badly sometimes.
take my supervisor losing his wife a few weeks back. i am still so messed up over it. we were already fairly close and i've drifted towards him. i've listened. i've teared up. i've looked through the accident reports and death certificate because he's offered them to me. he's needed someone there. and no, i'm not his best friend...i'm not the one he texts at 1am...but i'm there. and he knows that.
what he doesn't know....is i choke up every time i leave work and am not too distracted to notice his wife's cross on our property. or that i look up the man who killed her every few days to see how his court cases are progressing. and i lament over the minimal sentence he is going to get regardless. he doesn't know that when i take my walks with Patti on lunch down the very trail his wife was running towards...when we pass that cross...that i imagine it happening over and over and over again. and that sometimes i lie in bed at night when i'm supposed to be asleep and i think of the few times i met her...the last time being two weeks before she was killed...and i think of them. and of him lying in bed with his heart splayed open next to her empty spot. he's told me they used to lie awake in bed together and talk...every night...and that's when it hurts the most. and i HURT for him. i ache.
makes me sound crazy, doesn't it?
then renee texted me this morning. she just did her second cycle of fertility treatments with my doctor - they actually did AI. she got her second negative. that is when we gave up. and i still feel such tremendous pain from the debilitating heartache of not being able to bear my own child...and i relived seeing those negatives. the baited breath...but the "knowing"...i had no words. i teared up as i drove to work and she texted me. i told her i was here...that i would be her silence if that's what she needed and she described her bleakness...the crying at nothing...at everything...that unfairness of it. she regretfully admitted questioning god...IT'S NOT FAIR. and i was angry again. and i hurt again. and i shook my fist at God again and tried to understand. tried to bite back the bitter tears. but i felt her pain. i feel her pain. i wonder how she's fighting through work. if she's had to get up from her desk and go to the bathroom to hide her tears. or if she went home on lunch and couldn't go back. and i feel empty for her.
i haven't spent the time to explain Lindsey...my sister in law...she's had a drug problem for a long time on and off. and she has a serious problem with life. she is negative. she is HATEful. she has so much darkness and hate and revenge in her. she thinks that life and everyone is out to get her. she has 4 kids who sometimes she wants nothing to do with. she's tried to give them away. multiple times. and then she tried to kill herself...or get attention...or whatever...saturday night and life has been fucking chaotic since. she was in a coma...little brain activtiy...hooked up to a ventilator because she was not breathing on her own. we sat in the waiting room with very little information because they didn't know if she was going to make it or even what all she had taken, etc. the tox screen showed meth, coke, and weed, but none of those would take her from walking and talking to crashing and not breathing...turns out she took a handfull of Wellbutrin...
i saw her sunday when she was still in the coma. i've been working all week while jesse goes up with his family to visit. she has shown improvements. apparently she's eating and last i knew she was coming around a little but still acting confused and out of it. jesse's dad is calling me this afternoon to explain some more because i can't get anything out of jesse. he wouldn't even go back and see her in her room yesterday because she was so angry at her.
but i ache. i ache for jesse as he deals with it terribly. he's drinking and raging and just breaking in two and there's nothing i can do for him. i ache for their dad. she disowned him a years years back...even told the all of her friends that her dad had died when she was younger...guess who was the first person to the hospital and the last person to leave every day? he hadn't seen her in TWO YEARS and he walked back to look at his daughter in a coma, not knowing if she'd ever wake up. i hurt so much i want to throw up. i hurt for her mom. lindsey is a carbon copy of her and she doesn't even realize it. she's unstable herself, not to mention physically sick. and she is so stressed she can barely walk.
and oh, i hurt for the kids. these kids that we have offered to take before...that we love as our own...that have NO stability. the ones who know what a bowl for weed is and who miss their mom the first day she's gone when we have them even though she tries to give them away. they haven't seen her since saturday. they've been with "dad" who doesn't act like a dad and who they hardly ever see. i can feel their pain. i can imagine their confusion. how much they miss mom. how they don't understand. i want to scoop them up and never let them go. i want to shield their little hearts from this pain, from this world, from their own mother....but you know what? it's too late!!!!! and that makes me hurt so much more. they are so much more aware than they should be at 7, 5, and 3! they have seen so much...too much in all of their years. i'm unable to protect them. i can't save them. and i am broken because of it.
and sometimes...like today...like this week...i don't know how to carry everyone else's pain. but it's not like i made a CHOICE to. it's just there. i just feel it. it's part of me because i care about these people. but my shoulders are literally bowed under the weight of it. and i've teared up multiple times today.
loving is so hard. i just hope all these people know they are loved. even in the worst times. and that bearing their pain with them somehow lightens their load...or maybe that's not possible...but that the thought of someone sharing it with them lessens the pain just slightly....
take my supervisor losing his wife a few weeks back. i am still so messed up over it. we were already fairly close and i've drifted towards him. i've listened. i've teared up. i've looked through the accident reports and death certificate because he's offered them to me. he's needed someone there. and no, i'm not his best friend...i'm not the one he texts at 1am...but i'm there. and he knows that.
what he doesn't know....is i choke up every time i leave work and am not too distracted to notice his wife's cross on our property. or that i look up the man who killed her every few days to see how his court cases are progressing. and i lament over the minimal sentence he is going to get regardless. he doesn't know that when i take my walks with Patti on lunch down the very trail his wife was running towards...when we pass that cross...that i imagine it happening over and over and over again. and that sometimes i lie in bed at night when i'm supposed to be asleep and i think of the few times i met her...the last time being two weeks before she was killed...and i think of them. and of him lying in bed with his heart splayed open next to her empty spot. he's told me they used to lie awake in bed together and talk...every night...and that's when it hurts the most. and i HURT for him. i ache.
makes me sound crazy, doesn't it?
then renee texted me this morning. she just did her second cycle of fertility treatments with my doctor - they actually did AI. she got her second negative. that is when we gave up. and i still feel such tremendous pain from the debilitating heartache of not being able to bear my own child...and i relived seeing those negatives. the baited breath...but the "knowing"...i had no words. i teared up as i drove to work and she texted me. i told her i was here...that i would be her silence if that's what she needed and she described her bleakness...the crying at nothing...at everything...that unfairness of it. she regretfully admitted questioning god...IT'S NOT FAIR. and i was angry again. and i hurt again. and i shook my fist at God again and tried to understand. tried to bite back the bitter tears. but i felt her pain. i feel her pain. i wonder how she's fighting through work. if she's had to get up from her desk and go to the bathroom to hide her tears. or if she went home on lunch and couldn't go back. and i feel empty for her.
i haven't spent the time to explain Lindsey...my sister in law...she's had a drug problem for a long time on and off. and she has a serious problem with life. she is negative. she is HATEful. she has so much darkness and hate and revenge in her. she thinks that life and everyone is out to get her. she has 4 kids who sometimes she wants nothing to do with. she's tried to give them away. multiple times. and then she tried to kill herself...or get attention...or whatever...saturday night and life has been fucking chaotic since. she was in a coma...little brain activtiy...hooked up to a ventilator because she was not breathing on her own. we sat in the waiting room with very little information because they didn't know if she was going to make it or even what all she had taken, etc. the tox screen showed meth, coke, and weed, but none of those would take her from walking and talking to crashing and not breathing...turns out she took a handfull of Wellbutrin...
i saw her sunday when she was still in the coma. i've been working all week while jesse goes up with his family to visit. she has shown improvements. apparently she's eating and last i knew she was coming around a little but still acting confused and out of it. jesse's dad is calling me this afternoon to explain some more because i can't get anything out of jesse. he wouldn't even go back and see her in her room yesterday because she was so angry at her.
but i ache. i ache for jesse as he deals with it terribly. he's drinking and raging and just breaking in two and there's nothing i can do for him. i ache for their dad. she disowned him a years years back...even told the all of her friends that her dad had died when she was younger...guess who was the first person to the hospital and the last person to leave every day? he hadn't seen her in TWO YEARS and he walked back to look at his daughter in a coma, not knowing if she'd ever wake up. i hurt so much i want to throw up. i hurt for her mom. lindsey is a carbon copy of her and she doesn't even realize it. she's unstable herself, not to mention physically sick. and she is so stressed she can barely walk.
and oh, i hurt for the kids. these kids that we have offered to take before...that we love as our own...that have NO stability. the ones who know what a bowl for weed is and who miss their mom the first day she's gone when we have them even though she tries to give them away. they haven't seen her since saturday. they've been with "dad" who doesn't act like a dad and who they hardly ever see. i can feel their pain. i can imagine their confusion. how much they miss mom. how they don't understand. i want to scoop them up and never let them go. i want to shield their little hearts from this pain, from this world, from their own mother....but you know what? it's too late!!!!! and that makes me hurt so much more. they are so much more aware than they should be at 7, 5, and 3! they have seen so much...too much in all of their years. i'm unable to protect them. i can't save them. and i am broken because of it.
and sometimes...like today...like this week...i don't know how to carry everyone else's pain. but it's not like i made a CHOICE to. it's just there. i just feel it. it's part of me because i care about these people. but my shoulders are literally bowed under the weight of it. and i've teared up multiple times today.
loving is so hard. i just hope all these people know they are loved. even in the worst times. and that bearing their pain with them somehow lightens their load...or maybe that's not possible...but that the thought of someone sharing it with them lessens the pain just slightly....