"And don't fucking move,
'Cause everything you thought you had
will go to shit.
We've got a lot
Don't you dare forget that."
thanks sissy, it's a Margot and The Nuclear So&So's kinda day...but that's how I'm feeling.
I'm vacillating between "everything is going to shit" and "we've got a lot" because both are true.
taking over all of my student loans (which obviously, is my job!!!) is realllllly stressing me out.
it's more than my rent is every month - seriously...fuck that.
this whole fertility shit is just... too much. my period still hasn't started, but seeings how i have pregnancy tests that glaringly read "Not Pregnant" and the cramps I've had on and off for a week and a half now, I know it's going to start. I just wish it would hurry up and get it over with... the plan is to do one more round of treatments before throwing in the towel, at least for awhile... but now half of me just wants to say FUCK IT! why is it going to work the 2nd time if didn't work the first? and it is really causing hurt and tension with jesse and me... not so much at each other, but just us together. we are in such a funk...hurt, stress, self-blame. it's rough. and he makes a good point...if i do 1 more round, i've wasted $1000 we could put towards a house.
maybe we just weren't meant to have kids.
here's to dying alone.
oh, and i shouldn't even bring up a HOUSE. we've been watching this one on and off for several months...it wasn't feasible at first because i can't buy until my bankruptchy discharge is 2 years in the past...well, this month, my bankruptcy itself is 2 years in the past....4 more months and my discharge is...so that puts it all on jesse. his score wasn't high enough when we first looked, but we've been working at it and it is now... barely.. so we have to proceed with caution, not wanting to run his credit unless we are for sure ready. well, the house we've been watching dropped...4 times...it is quite rundown, needs work...but we were going to offer even less than it's dropped to. we had an appointment to visit it today. and then our realtor texted jesse yesterday to let him know that someone else put an offer on it. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!? i know, i know, it could be "rejected" but we weren't going to offer much so I'm sure they didn't offer any less... and i know...everything happens for a reason and there's some reason we shouldn't have that house if that's the case. but is it the same reason we shouldn't have a kid? or money? this shit is getting so old.
i am sooooo sick of throwing a pity party but that seems to be where i'm at. it's been quite a long time since i've been this low. blame the extensive stress, the longest period of time i've been off my anxiety medicine, the hormones i've taken, i don't know.... but i am teetering on depressed and it is ROUGH. i'm starting to wonder if that's why i'm not sleeping. and i'm not. i'm miserable. i'm exhausted day in and day out. i'm exhausted when i'm lying awake at night wondering why the hell i'm not asleep. this is not a good stage.
and yet... jesse makes me so happy, i feel so guilty feeling so bad! and he's not taking my depression very well. i think he blames himself...like he's not enough to make me happy... but that's where it gets confusing. i AM happy. i know i have him and what we have is like nothing i've ever experienced and more than some people EVER experience. we have a cute apartment we are making better (minus the hillbilly ghetto neighborhood) and we have decent jobs. so i AM happy in some ways. it's just that the scale has tipped the other direction and i feel like everything is crashing down. and i honestly don't know how to handle it. i'm not doing either of us any good when i'm usually the emotionally stable one.
but i am FUCKING PISSED. at life. at myself? at God? i don't know. i'm getting so sick of no's. is it still fucking karma from bad decisions i made in the past? i don't even feel like i made THAT many where karma would still be fucking with me. but why the hell else?!? everything was soaring along in the right direction. EVERYTHING. we had an amazing year last year... lindsey stirling... our wedding... our honeymoon... white water rafting... a weekend in hocking hills... starting the process of the infertility stuff with hope... then jesse getting this new job and moving to killbuck... and then it's like we ran into a motherfucking brick wall and everything just exploded. what, did we use up all of the good luck for awhile? now we can't catch a fucking break?!
and strangely, at the same time, i know none of this is the end of the world!! yet it totally feels like it! there was such a long period of time where i was simply content. in a fantastic way. just content. didn't need anything, didn't want anything. so what gives now? why do i NEED something? need multiple things? want multiple things? feel scared and dejected? i've got to get myself out of this funk. i'm not doing anyone any good.
and the best thing? my few close friends...seem to run and hide when i'm not at my best. i've been here for all of them...hundreds of texts and phone calls and support. and then all the good, fun times. but as soon as aubrey isn't her usual bouncy self, let's avoid her until she figures it out. fucking people suck.
i am so frustrated!!!!
'Cause everything you thought you had
will go to shit.
We've got a lot
Don't you dare forget that."
thanks sissy, it's a Margot and The Nuclear So&So's kinda day...but that's how I'm feeling.
I'm vacillating between "everything is going to shit" and "we've got a lot" because both are true.
taking over all of my student loans (which obviously, is my job!!!) is realllllly stressing me out.
it's more than my rent is every month - seriously...fuck that.
this whole fertility shit is just... too much. my period still hasn't started, but seeings how i have pregnancy tests that glaringly read "Not Pregnant" and the cramps I've had on and off for a week and a half now, I know it's going to start. I just wish it would hurry up and get it over with... the plan is to do one more round of treatments before throwing in the towel, at least for awhile... but now half of me just wants to say FUCK IT! why is it going to work the 2nd time if didn't work the first? and it is really causing hurt and tension with jesse and me... not so much at each other, but just us together. we are in such a funk...hurt, stress, self-blame. it's rough. and he makes a good point...if i do 1 more round, i've wasted $1000 we could put towards a house.
maybe we just weren't meant to have kids.
here's to dying alone.
oh, and i shouldn't even bring up a HOUSE. we've been watching this one on and off for several months...it wasn't feasible at first because i can't buy until my bankruptchy discharge is 2 years in the past...well, this month, my bankruptcy itself is 2 years in the past....4 more months and my discharge is...so that puts it all on jesse. his score wasn't high enough when we first looked, but we've been working at it and it is now... barely.. so we have to proceed with caution, not wanting to run his credit unless we are for sure ready. well, the house we've been watching dropped...4 times...it is quite rundown, needs work...but we were going to offer even less than it's dropped to. we had an appointment to visit it today. and then our realtor texted jesse yesterday to let him know that someone else put an offer on it. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!? i know, i know, it could be "rejected" but we weren't going to offer much so I'm sure they didn't offer any less... and i know...everything happens for a reason and there's some reason we shouldn't have that house if that's the case. but is it the same reason we shouldn't have a kid? or money? this shit is getting so old.
i am sooooo sick of throwing a pity party but that seems to be where i'm at. it's been quite a long time since i've been this low. blame the extensive stress, the longest period of time i've been off my anxiety medicine, the hormones i've taken, i don't know.... but i am teetering on depressed and it is ROUGH. i'm starting to wonder if that's why i'm not sleeping. and i'm not. i'm miserable. i'm exhausted day in and day out. i'm exhausted when i'm lying awake at night wondering why the hell i'm not asleep. this is not a good stage.
and yet... jesse makes me so happy, i feel so guilty feeling so bad! and he's not taking my depression very well. i think he blames himself...like he's not enough to make me happy... but that's where it gets confusing. i AM happy. i know i have him and what we have is like nothing i've ever experienced and more than some people EVER experience. we have a cute apartment we are making better (minus the hillbilly ghetto neighborhood) and we have decent jobs. so i AM happy in some ways. it's just that the scale has tipped the other direction and i feel like everything is crashing down. and i honestly don't know how to handle it. i'm not doing either of us any good when i'm usually the emotionally stable one.
but i am FUCKING PISSED. at life. at myself? at God? i don't know. i'm getting so sick of no's. is it still fucking karma from bad decisions i made in the past? i don't even feel like i made THAT many where karma would still be fucking with me. but why the hell else?!? everything was soaring along in the right direction. EVERYTHING. we had an amazing year last year... lindsey stirling... our wedding... our honeymoon... white water rafting... a weekend in hocking hills... starting the process of the infertility stuff with hope... then jesse getting this new job and moving to killbuck... and then it's like we ran into a motherfucking brick wall and everything just exploded. what, did we use up all of the good luck for awhile? now we can't catch a fucking break?!
and strangely, at the same time, i know none of this is the end of the world!! yet it totally feels like it! there was such a long period of time where i was simply content. in a fantastic way. just content. didn't need anything, didn't want anything. so what gives now? why do i NEED something? need multiple things? want multiple things? feel scared and dejected? i've got to get myself out of this funk. i'm not doing anyone any good.
and the best thing? my few close friends...seem to run and hide when i'm not at my best. i've been here for all of them...hundreds of texts and phone calls and support. and then all the good, fun times. but as soon as aubrey isn't her usual bouncy self, let's avoid her until she figures it out. fucking people suck.
i am so frustrated!!!!