i would love to be able to shut my brain off, just once in awhile, just for a little bit! it's going to be the death of me. this is why i am supposed to take my anxiety medication... but i got so sick of the pill hangovers...and plus, i'm trying to get pregnant - i don't need that crap in my body...and then on top of that, jesse takes his pills that knock him out at night, so if something were to ever happen in the middle of the night, we'd be screwed ha. i don't really want them... just wish i could turn off my brain here and there...and sleep well on a regular!!
sunday, monday, and tuesday were rough as shit last week. i was really really low. not that i didn't know that time would keep moving, but i couldn't feel it moving and all i could feel was pain. but pain is not my whole life.
jesse and i DID end up going to see the house we are interested in. my parents came down from wooster and we all went out there... with hope and apprehension. because as soon as they bank reviews the other person's offer, it's not open for more offers.
the place needs a serious amount of work. it has sat empty for over 2 years now and it's pretty moldy from the temperature changes and condensation...buuuuut nothing a little bleach and scrubbing won't take care of. a few of the floors need to be fixed (vinyl/laminate/etc). we'll need to put a wood burner back in the basement since it's propane based and that gets pricey. but there's a fireplace in the living room too so that would be our heat! we would have to buy all the appliances...probably figure out way to vent the roof because they didn't when they fixed it... fix the roof on the shed out back...
but i couldn't think of a more perfect house for us. it's on almost 2 acres of land with a creek in the middle of the back yard and it is on a gravel road in the boonies. it has a huge master bedroom with its own small bathroom and 2 other small bedrooms as well as the other bathroom and kitchen and eat in kitchen/dining area and living room and a big mudroom/laundry room and a two car garage and a deck. it's in flood country so that should be quite interesting in rainy seasons, but what's a little adventure? it also adds a few minutes to my commute to work but jesse's would still be around 10 mintues away versus the 2 minutes now which still isn't bad. come winter, i'll be hating the horribly windy back roads that won't see plows at my hour...
so we had our realtor keep tabs on the pending offer and busted our butts with the mortgage lender. jesse's credit is pretty sad...but it's "good enough" for the price we are looking at. there are several stipulations - only 1 that is making me a little nervous - but he got his preapproval letter!!!! the next day, i rushed down to the realtor's on lunch to electronically sign for him on an offer..and we put an offer in on that house!! of course...that means nothing :) if the other offer is higher, we lose...although hopeful me thinks that we probably were the higher bidder because we didn't offer much less than asking, knowing there was another offer out there. we also knew it could be weeks, months, years to hear back, especially since it has been 4 days since the original offer was put in when we put ours in!! but saturday evening, the realtor texted jesse that we are in a multiple offers dealio with the bank and they were asking for our final offer by sunday at noon. SO. something is happening!!!! trying to be very cautious about getting excited, but it's moving along!
after all the begging and pleading with God about having a child and the gut wrenching crash i took after apparently He told me no, i've been much more cautious with this. i've tried to keep the cons in my head at the same time and also the pros of our current living arrangements so i won't be overly disappointed if we don't get the house. also, i've been trying to trust God with this decision instead of begging him for what i want. just.."if this is your will...whatever your will is..." i feel a lot calmer about it. but obviously, it's a whole different situation than trying to get pregnant.
of course IF we get the house, then there are the inspections and clearly we could find something wrong enough that we can't afford to fix...so none of it is going to be concrete until 1) our bid is accepted 2) we take care of the stipulations 3) we have inspections and decide to proceed 4) the loan process goes ahead fine and 5) we sign it and close on it and have the keys! buuuuuut i didn't expect the bank to get back to us that fast so i'm pretty excited.
okay, so yesterday, on a SUNDAY, i had an appointment with the infertility doctor at 8 freaking am. Oh, that hurt my soul. i had to wake up at 6am on a sunday and drive an hour and a half to the akron office since the canton office isn't open on weekends. i decided to do one more cycle of the drugs and ultrasounds so yesterday was my cycle day 4 ultrasound. turns out i have a collapsing cyst, but collapsing ones don't prevent me from proceeding...active ones would... but that makes sense since i had cramps like the entire 2 week wait. also, when i first started seeing my doctor, he told me we pretty much make cysts and they take care of themselves every time we ovualte...BUT it does make me a little nervous since that's the 3rd one i'm aware of since college...
anyway, the doctors take turns doing weekends and i got the other doctor...and he was a complete DICK, no lie. i tried to ask questions and he was rude and honestly ended up walking out in the middle of them just so he didn't have to answer them!!! luckily, i have my doctor next monday in canton for my follow up ultrasound and hopefully the shot. i think i'm at liberty to ask as many questions as i want!! it's my body for one and for two, holy shit am i paying you a lot of money!! i was pretty irate. but they started me back on the clomid for 5 days and so it begins again. i think i'm more scared this time...i knew there was a chance i wouldn't have eggs develop last time, but they did...everything was perfect and then i still didn't get pregnant. this time, i already start with a collapsing cyst and a failed cycle hanging over me. i'm nervous. i can't wait to talk to my doctor about a couple of things and try this last cycle. i can barely squeeze by money-wise with this one and my mom is helping for the second time... sigh.
so lots of stuff going on. thank god at the end of the 2 week wait period this month, i'll be days away from white water rafting and lindsey stirling!!! i'll have something to keep me out of the funk (let's hope). but i have a feeling evvvvvvery day is going to be quite long this week...next week...and the next ha. here's to deep breaths and positivity in the weeks to come!!
sunday, monday, and tuesday were rough as shit last week. i was really really low. not that i didn't know that time would keep moving, but i couldn't feel it moving and all i could feel was pain. but pain is not my whole life.
jesse and i DID end up going to see the house we are interested in. my parents came down from wooster and we all went out there... with hope and apprehension. because as soon as they bank reviews the other person's offer, it's not open for more offers.
the place needs a serious amount of work. it has sat empty for over 2 years now and it's pretty moldy from the temperature changes and condensation...buuuuut nothing a little bleach and scrubbing won't take care of. a few of the floors need to be fixed (vinyl/laminate/etc). we'll need to put a wood burner back in the basement since it's propane based and that gets pricey. but there's a fireplace in the living room too so that would be our heat! we would have to buy all the appliances...probably figure out way to vent the roof because they didn't when they fixed it... fix the roof on the shed out back...
but i couldn't think of a more perfect house for us. it's on almost 2 acres of land with a creek in the middle of the back yard and it is on a gravel road in the boonies. it has a huge master bedroom with its own small bathroom and 2 other small bedrooms as well as the other bathroom and kitchen and eat in kitchen/dining area and living room and a big mudroom/laundry room and a two car garage and a deck. it's in flood country so that should be quite interesting in rainy seasons, but what's a little adventure? it also adds a few minutes to my commute to work but jesse's would still be around 10 mintues away versus the 2 minutes now which still isn't bad. come winter, i'll be hating the horribly windy back roads that won't see plows at my hour...
so we had our realtor keep tabs on the pending offer and busted our butts with the mortgage lender. jesse's credit is pretty sad...but it's "good enough" for the price we are looking at. there are several stipulations - only 1 that is making me a little nervous - but he got his preapproval letter!!!! the next day, i rushed down to the realtor's on lunch to electronically sign for him on an offer..and we put an offer in on that house!! of course...that means nothing :) if the other offer is higher, we lose...although hopeful me thinks that we probably were the higher bidder because we didn't offer much less than asking, knowing there was another offer out there. we also knew it could be weeks, months, years to hear back, especially since it has been 4 days since the original offer was put in when we put ours in!! but saturday evening, the realtor texted jesse that we are in a multiple offers dealio with the bank and they were asking for our final offer by sunday at noon. SO. something is happening!!!! trying to be very cautious about getting excited, but it's moving along!
after all the begging and pleading with God about having a child and the gut wrenching crash i took after apparently He told me no, i've been much more cautious with this. i've tried to keep the cons in my head at the same time and also the pros of our current living arrangements so i won't be overly disappointed if we don't get the house. also, i've been trying to trust God with this decision instead of begging him for what i want. just.."if this is your will...whatever your will is..." i feel a lot calmer about it. but obviously, it's a whole different situation than trying to get pregnant.
of course IF we get the house, then there are the inspections and clearly we could find something wrong enough that we can't afford to fix...so none of it is going to be concrete until 1) our bid is accepted 2) we take care of the stipulations 3) we have inspections and decide to proceed 4) the loan process goes ahead fine and 5) we sign it and close on it and have the keys! buuuuuut i didn't expect the bank to get back to us that fast so i'm pretty excited.
okay, so yesterday, on a SUNDAY, i had an appointment with the infertility doctor at 8 freaking am. Oh, that hurt my soul. i had to wake up at 6am on a sunday and drive an hour and a half to the akron office since the canton office isn't open on weekends. i decided to do one more cycle of the drugs and ultrasounds so yesterday was my cycle day 4 ultrasound. turns out i have a collapsing cyst, but collapsing ones don't prevent me from proceeding...active ones would... but that makes sense since i had cramps like the entire 2 week wait. also, when i first started seeing my doctor, he told me we pretty much make cysts and they take care of themselves every time we ovualte...BUT it does make me a little nervous since that's the 3rd one i'm aware of since college...
anyway, the doctors take turns doing weekends and i got the other doctor...and he was a complete DICK, no lie. i tried to ask questions and he was rude and honestly ended up walking out in the middle of them just so he didn't have to answer them!!! luckily, i have my doctor next monday in canton for my follow up ultrasound and hopefully the shot. i think i'm at liberty to ask as many questions as i want!! it's my body for one and for two, holy shit am i paying you a lot of money!! i was pretty irate. but they started me back on the clomid for 5 days and so it begins again. i think i'm more scared this time...i knew there was a chance i wouldn't have eggs develop last time, but they did...everything was perfect and then i still didn't get pregnant. this time, i already start with a collapsing cyst and a failed cycle hanging over me. i'm nervous. i can't wait to talk to my doctor about a couple of things and try this last cycle. i can barely squeeze by money-wise with this one and my mom is helping for the second time... sigh.
so lots of stuff going on. thank god at the end of the 2 week wait period this month, i'll be days away from white water rafting and lindsey stirling!!! i'll have something to keep me out of the funk (let's hope). but i have a feeling evvvvvvery day is going to be quite long this week...next week...and the next ha. here's to deep breaths and positivity in the weeks to come!!